Ten Daytime TV Shows Hosted by Serial Killers

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All In The Family with Charles Manson
Come Dine With Me with Jeffery Dahmer
Cash In The Attic with Fred West
The Antiques Roadshow with Harold Shipman
Balamory with Myra Hindley
Songs of Praise with Varg Vikernes
Countdown with Ted Kaczynski
Ground Force with John Wayne Gacey
Blind Date with Peter Suttcliffe
Bullseye with Mark David Chapman

Against the European Union (EU… sounds like a reflex noise)

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At the risk of alienating a number of my friends, the majority of whom are of something of a left wing/socialist bent – I am against the European Union. I hasten to add that this is NOT due to any concern for British sovereignty; considering all boundaries as lines in the sand is one of my more endearingly enraging characteristics (or so I’m frequently told). I myself lean so far to the left that I fall over thrice daily. I have a loathing of bureaucracy such as would kill a yak from forty paces (offended vegetarians there). Government via bureaucracy is much like music via Dire Straits – soulless and twelve different shades of beige. However, my major reason for disliking the EU is not my hate of bureaucracy, nor any lenient nationalism.  It is a simple matter of fairness. The majority of essays pertaining to the EU refer to food stockpiles, and furthermore to the ‘butter mountain’.

Firstly, the ethics of global food distribution are analogous to those of a playground squabble. One child has several tricycles when the other children have none; the fortunate child refuses to share. The misery of the other children has no effect on the selfish child; he can only play with one tricycle, has no need for the others and could give them to the other children without the slightest inconvenience, yet refuses. Even though he receives a new tricycle each day he insists on keeping the others in reserve. Financial distribution is similar, except the selfish child ‘lends’ tricycles to the other children, at a price inflated to such an extent that the other children may never afford a tricycle of their own. My five year old nephew could explain the injustice inherent in this system on an Etch A Sketch; politicians are selfish children who cannot learn to share.

But there is a greater injustice than this: They have a butter mountain and refuse to let people slide down it.

Anyone, upon sight of a butter mountain, would become a small child and wish to slide from top to bottom on a tray. Much like a man who sees a long staircase and learns for a slinky. The inevitable disappointment fades before the anticipation of joy in a way that has kept Kinder Egg in business. A butter mountain which promises pleasure to millions is kept behind closed doors, and THAT is why I despise the EU. EU is the noise of disappointment made when people are told, ‘No sliding down the butter mountain!’

After a great deal of anguished thought (and tears) on this subject it occurred to me that the EU are responsible for time. As close as this sounds to conspiracy, I must hasten to make clear that I am not suggesting they ‘invented’ time, human concept though it is; they merely encouraged an obsession with it. It is well known that the pinnacle of bureaucracy thrives on meetings, as does much of modern life, giving rise to one of the great fears of humanity – being late.

Time began with the sundial (although not in Manchester, where the sun generally rises at 2pm and sets at quarter past*) and has continued to invade our lives since then – from the sundial to the village clock, until today when every single one of us carries at least one timepiece (watch, mobile phone, i-anything) and constantly knows exactly how late we are. More stress is caused by ‘lateness’, the constant nagging fear of unproductivity, than by any means except watching Jeremy Kyle. A constant noxious cloud of frantic, nervous energy hangs over us all, and it is this that the EU wished to create. They siphon it off and store it in a gigantic vat near Brussells. Why? It’s obvious – to power their own private ski lift to the top of the butter mountain. Eu employees are allowed to slide down it – the bastards.

And that, gentle ladies and men (genetalia) is why I am against the European Union.


* A small end note upon the sun.  As a child I asked my father “What’s that bright thing in t’sky…no, not the one the fluffy one that looks like a headless Doberman, the other one.” It was of course the Sun, which like any good Northern child I expected to set at three pm at the latest. My father’s response was awe inspiring in its stupidity: “That my boy, is God’s Yoyo. When he lets the yoyo down on its string all is light and illumined, then when he pulls it back up all is darkness and night.”…What a pillock, I thought, any idiot can see it’d burn through the string.